I hate what I love
by Twilight Always
Summary: SPOILERS. song fic. Violet reflects on her life now that she has died and is a ghost. She reflects on her life now stuck in that house with all the other souls, and most importantly she thinks on Tate. How she hates that she loves him and can't just forget. And how she can't forgive him. "I hurt, everyday. I think about the Tate I thought I knew." violet/tate. Review


_**I love what I hate**_

_**C.D.J.B**_

**_Twilight always _**

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_I didn't want to die. I wasn't ready to die. I couldn't leave, I couldn't do anything. I was stuck, forever. I would try and take my mind of off it, being dead. I tried to forget how I took all those pills, I tried to forget the day I realized I was dead. The day I realized I couldn't leave the house. I just ran in circles, over and over, trying to escape what I could never leave. My past, present and future. Stuck here. In TV and the movies they made being a ghost so much cooler. This was a kind of darkness that I wasn't prepared for. It's this house, its evil. It's pure darkness. Sometimes I just sit and try and imagine what it would be like if I never moved into this stupid house. _

_**When you're weary  
and haunted  
And your life is not what you wanted  
When you're trying so hard to find it**_

_Tate. Its weird thinking about the time where he was the reason I didn't want to leave this house. Where I could just lay with him and be completely content with myself, with him, with us. Since I met him, I felt so many things. I felt happiness, sadness, I felt love, I felt fear. Sometimes in this house, I swear I can feel his eyes watching me. But continuously, he is good at hiding. He is good to keeping to himself and watching from a distance. He is good at keeping secrets, especially from me. And those eyes, when I can feel them burning into me, I feel sick to my stomach at all he's done and all the pain he's caused everyone. I can't help what other feelings I feel though. I love him__. _

**When the lies speak the loudest**  
**When your friends are starting to leave**  
**When you're broken by people like me**

_**I hurt too, I hurt too**_

_This house is so big, so many souls living inside of it, lost and long gone from the real world. All they know now is this house. All I know now is this house. But no matter how big it is, you still feel lonely. I think about him being alone, he has no one. Isolated, alone. It's what he deserves, I know that. He's sick and he's twisted and all the pain and suffering, he deserves. _

_I know that. _

_But a part of me, the part that thought I knew him, still longs for him. It's sick, it's twisted. And I hate myself for feeling it. _

_But I still hurt too. _

**When an ocean sits right between us**  
**There is no sign that we'll ever cross**  
**You should know now that I feel the loss**

**I hurt too, I hurt too**

_S__ometimes when I am alone I swear I can hear his voice, whispering to me. Telling me please don't leave him, telling me I'm all he needs, all he wants. I see his eyes, which I once found comfort and happiness in. I used to be able to look into those eyes and just smile, but there was always something hidden in those eyes. Something secret, something he wasn't telling me. There was always a part of him that I couldn't reach, even though I had wanted to know what that part held, it always scared me wondering what it was. The pain of knowing was so much worse then the wondering. I see that night in my mind sometimes, me screaming telling him to go away. The look of horror and destruction on his face, then opening my eyes to an empty room. Then I think about my mother, I think about her pain, her loss. I think about those kids, their faces and their anger. They were just kids like us. _

_I think about those things, and I know it's like water I can never cross over. _

**Even though you are drowning in valley's of echoes**  
**I believe there is peace in those hills up ahead**  
**You will climb 'til you find places you'll never let go**  
**And I will also be here praying just like I said**

**I hurt too, I hurt too**

_He thinks he's the only one that's hurting, I can tell. He thinks I'm okay. But I'm not okay. I'm not even close to be okay. That kind of stuff seriously messes a person up. I feel sick and I'm scared, horrified, disgusted with what I feel. I don't want to love him, I don't want to miss the Tate that I thought I had known. I don't want to miss the Tate that told me he loved me, the Tate that I had been so curious about, the Tate that stood infront of me telling me he would never hurt me, and never let anything and anyone hurt me. But he hurt me, he hurt us all. I don't want to miss the Tate I thought I knew, as much as I don't want to be dead. I don't want to think of him, I don't want him to come into my mind. I want to want him to suffer. It's what he deserves, right? He deserves to sit there and be alone, he is the darkness. And I no longer can risk being drawn to the darkness. _

_I can never forgive him. He destroyed me, my family. Everything I love, including him and me. He could have had me forever, but he ruined it all. _

_I want him to pay; he deserves to be alone, to hurt…I know that, I do. This is the right thing. _

_But I hurt too. I hurt every day. _

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_**Authors note: **_

_**Song fic, I hurt too – Katie Herzig**_

_**This relationship is just so messed up, until I found out what he did I was soo inlove with this pair. I still am, I wish that the horrible thing with her mom hadn't of happened. She changed him it was just too late. But anyhow I hope you liked if were a fan of this couple. **_

_**If you haven't watched the series this fic has many spoilers but I recommend you watch it, I found it addicting. **_

_**Please review.**_

_**C.D.J.B**_

_**Twilight always **_


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